August burn

[A year passes between the “composition” episode and this one, “August burn”]

When Lenna moved away she left me a forwarding address and we exchanged letters once. Then our relationship faded gently away. As a keepsake, I had the two coleus plants that she had given me. Lenna probably hoped that if I could take care of some living thing I might be able to take care of my self someday. I also had the silver filigree earrings that I had bought for her on vacation. If I had been a gentleman I would have mailed them to her. But I wasn’t.

When Toby dumped me, the situation was different.

Toby was working as an assistant at the art museum. She had let me handle their Matisse drawings. She had slept with me three times. The last time, she said “I love you” and I said  “I love you” to her. But the next day she disappeared. It turned out that her job had been temporary, part of her B.A. program. I didn’t even know where in Montana she lived. It was the end of August, and the skin on my arms burned, but not from the weather. I couldn’t imagine why she would make me love her and then disappear. Suddenly I was truly in love with Toby. I wanted Toby. And Toby was a ghost.

I discussed this with Mark over a pitcher of beer one night, and he had a theory.

“Wasn’t she in some church group here? Didn’t you say she mentioned God in relation to sex and love? What you have here is a religious chick. She is trying to show you that you need God.”

“Fuck.”

“Exactly. Any minute now you will see the light.”

I saw nothing but suffering, as if I were mourning some huge loss. I slept through my days, trying to practice guitar and string my mobile, but cycling down into a series of sweaty naps. I was accustomed to losing things and people. They would be around for a while and then just disappear. But Toby’s mindfucking left me staring at a big hole in my self.